Twelve months out: what actually matters first

The moment you're engaged, the internet hands you a checklist with two hundred items on it, most of them due yesterday. It's a wonderful way to feel behind on your own wedding before you've begun.

The truth is smaller and kinder. In the first ninety days, about nine decisions matter. Everything else can wait — and waits better once these are settled.

The first nine, in order

A season, a rough guest count, a total budget, who is contributing, a city, a style of day (small and slow, or large and celebratory), a photographer whose work you love, a date range you both can live with, and one person you trust to tell you the truth.

The rest of planning is just these nine answers, put into rooms and onto plates.

Write them down together on a single page. When a vendor question rattles you later — and it will — return to that page. Almost every answer is already on it.